Back to Bloggin? Its been a while.

So, I just looked at my blog and realized it’s been 2.5 years since I’ve posted and so much has gone on. Let’s catch you up so we can continue the journey. Let’s start with why I have been absent for a while. Life is all about balance and my life has been anything but balanced for years. I can put up a good Facebook front like the rest of the world, but the reality is there has been a lot of struggle and not a ton of successes. While that may sound negative, it has helped me to truly be okay with where I am…at this moment (75% of the time). 

The last time I pinned on a bib was in 2021 at The Bear. In Logan Utah. I’m sorry for the late race report y’all, better late than never? The Bear is a race I never should have signed up for but have no regrets. It all started during COVID when I was talking with my friends Luke and Martin after a local group run at the best running shop around, The Aid Station, in Auburn, CA. On Thursdays we go on a 4ish mile road/trail run followed by beer and free hot dogs. They are cooked by the master himself, Paulo Medina (owner of The Aid Station, RD of Single Track Running, and all-around awesome guy). 

I was dead set on signing up for Cascade Crest. I grew up in Washington and really wanted a race that had personal meaning. I used to drive past that race location several times a year on the way to visit grandparents in Tacoma. I also found out that because of wildfires, covid and rollovers, my chances were slim to none of getting in. Martin (RD of Cool Moon Trail Races and is running Badwater this year) and Luke (world Travel) were talking about how The Bear was going to take place and almost everyone gets in. I signed up that night without looking at the profile or any other race stats. Dumbass move #1. 

After a few weeks and finally decided to look at the race website after talking with my friend Reggie (my volunteer bother, if I’m going to run into a friend in another state who's also volunteering, its Reggie), who took on The Bear the year before. Reggie is a much stronger runner (you are way more badass than you will ever admit bro) and he was talking about how tough it was at another Thirsty Thursday run. It was time to really train like I never had before because The Bear happened to be one of the toughest races in the country. I still give Martin and Luke crap, but in reality, it was all my fault (even though Luke never signed up for the race, that dirty dog). 😊 

Fast forward to race week. I had been dealing with severe sciatic nerve pain for quite a while. The training block was really hard because I had accepted that this might be my last shot at a 100-mile race. I trained as much as my body would physically allow, was at the chiropractor twice a week, seeing a specialist about my back, and tried every possible treatment to help with my sciatica. I did 50+ mile training runs and even was running 10+ miles after 16-hour workdays and sleeping 4 hours a night. Honestly, I justified the behavior, but was on a track of failure long before the race. 

Before the race I knew, but never told my crew, that I wouldn’t finishing The Bear. My body at that point wasn’t physically capable of taking me 100 miles. I have learned from some amazing people that we just need to go out there and let the day determine what will happen. I was at peace with doing what my body would allow and to enjoy every moment. 

We left Sacramento and headed to the race. It was my girlfriend at the time, one of my best friends Ben, and Chris from the GR Crew was flying into Salt Lake City from Alaska the next day. We prepared for the race and hung out. It was a lot of fun, but as the race approached, I knew we needed to make changes. With an anticipated low of 20 degrees, I needed my crew to move all my drop bags up because I would be moving slower with my back issues. 

The morning of the race, I woke up and started vomiting within 5 minutes. I kept trying to eat and drink, but everything that went it was resurrected… with authority. I kept eating and getting dressed figuring at some point the switch would flip and I would be ready for the race. In my head I already knew that I had given so many calories back that the chances of finishing were dwindling with each withdrawal of funds. 

I got my gear together and gathered my weary crew. We drove to the start and after a few more poltergeist moments, the gun went off. I tried to stay with a local badass, Samantha for as long as I could, but I didn’t have enough energy to keep up and decided to let her go and I’d walk until my body was ready to run again. I hiked and watch everyone go past me…and was okay with running my own race. I kept getting sick for the next several miles before eventually dry heaving. I suddenly couldn’t lift my right leg more than 2” off the ground. I figured it was the lack of fuel as my calories had to be negative at that point. 

I was determined to make it to the top of the first climb (which is just dumb that early in a race). I’d give up and head down the hill only to turn around after about 100 feet and giving it another shot, having to use my hand to lift my leg over rocks. I did this dance 3 times before eventually realizing that my crew was heading into the mountain before too long and I would not be able to contact them after that. I decided to turn around and head down the hill after a short cry. 

You might think it was because I failed that I was crying. It was the exact opposite. I was able to make it just over 3 miles into the race I had been telling everyone that I was racing. It wasn’t my ego and pride, which was long gone by that point. It was that I had succeeded. I had run less than any race I'd ever started, but it was by far by greatest success. 

I never gave up, vomiting for hours and knowing I had no chance of finishing… I kept putting food and electrolytes into my system, got dressed and showed up for work. The results don’t matter because I wasn’t going to win that race anyway. 

We all have choices in life. We can choose to learn from our life experience, realizing that there is a possibility to learn from everything in life. After the race, a local runner came up and asked me what happened. I told him the story and he said, “That must be embarrassing.”  I have never been a good athlete, good at school, or really felt like I belonged. I know I gave that race everything that my body had to give…literally. I am prouder of my performance at The Bear (ever only making it 3 miles) than my only 100-mile finish, where my twins ran me across the finish line with me (my older son on the side holding up a sign they made. That had been a dream of mine since my first race and it’s still my favorite moment. 

Feeling great at RDL100 and excited to see my family (Overlook, Mile 45).

Picture after running across the finish with 2 of my 3 kids. I had 47 minutes to spare. 😁

Trail running has given me the opportunity to truly find out who I am. Not the person who I tell myself who I am, but after hours on a trail…shit gets real. I have conversations with myself, and it had helped me overcome my Anxiety, Depression, and eventually my back surgery. 

I had a 9x17mm herniation of my disk and had that removed. It was the same issue as The Bear, and the surgery was almost a year after the race. I have been recovering for the past 9 months and have had a few runs but am taking my recovery slowly. I had fully accepted before the surgery that I would never run again (which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accept). The surgery was in October 2022, and they successfully removed the herniation. My doctor and surgeon wanted me to try running again. 

I don’t know if I will be able to ever race again (faster than a shuffle), but the fact that I am still able to get out there is more than enough. I have been crewing friends all over the Western US and its filling my cup.  Follow your dreams and never give up. I am grateful to the running community for the support and love over the past few years. You have definitely been there to prop me up as the sick elephant, until I can stand on my own. It is the reason why I love this community so much. It is Western State Endurance Run weekend and I will be volunteering at Robinson Flat with my kids. Time to cheer on some friends and badass athletes.