Back to Bloggin? Its been a while.

So, I just looked at my blog and realized it’s been 2.5 years since I’ve posted and so much has gone on. Let’s catch you up so we can continue the journey. Let’s start with why I have been absent for a while. Life is all about balance and my life has been anything but balanced for years. I can put up a good Facebook front like the rest of the world, but the reality is there has been a lot of struggle and not a ton of successes. While that may sound negative, it has helped me to truly be okay with where I am…at this moment (75% of the time). 

The last time I pinned on a bib was in 2021 at The Bear. In Logan Utah. I’m sorry for the late race report y’all, better late than never? The Bear is a race I never should have signed up for but have no regrets. It all started during COVID when I was talking with my friends Luke and Martin after a local group run at the best running shop around, The Aid Station, in Auburn, CA. On Thursdays we go on a 4ish mile road/trail run followed by beer and free hot dogs. They are cooked by the master himself, Paulo Medina (owner of The Aid Station, RD of Single Track Running, and all-around awesome guy). 

I was dead set on signing up for Cascade Crest. I grew up in Washington and really wanted a race that had personal meaning. I used to drive past that race location several times a year on the way to visit grandparents in Tacoma. I also found out that because of wildfires, covid and rollovers, my chances were slim to none of getting in. Martin (RD of Cool Moon Trail Races and is running Badwater this year) and Luke (world Travel) were talking about how The Bear was going to take place and almost everyone gets in. I signed up that night without looking at the profile or any other race stats. Dumbass move #1. 

After a few weeks and finally decided to look at the race website after talking with my friend Reggie (my volunteer bother, if I’m going to run into a friend in another state who's also volunteering, its Reggie), who took on The Bear the year before. Reggie is a much stronger runner (you are way more badass than you will ever admit bro) and he was talking about how tough it was at another Thirsty Thursday run. It was time to really train like I never had before because The Bear happened to be one of the toughest races in the country. I still give Martin and Luke crap, but in reality, it was all my fault (even though Luke never signed up for the race, that dirty dog). 😊 

Fast forward to race week. I had been dealing with severe sciatic nerve pain for quite a while. The training block was really hard because I had accepted that this might be my last shot at a 100-mile race. I trained as much as my body would physically allow, was at the chiropractor twice a week, seeing a specialist about my back, and tried every possible treatment to help with my sciatica. I did 50+ mile training runs and even was running 10+ miles after 16-hour workdays and sleeping 4 hours a night. Honestly, I justified the behavior, but was on a track of failure long before the race. 

Before the race I knew, but never told my crew, that I wouldn’t finishing The Bear. My body at that point wasn’t physically capable of taking me 100 miles. I have learned from some amazing people that we just need to go out there and let the day determine what will happen. I was at peace with doing what my body would allow and to enjoy every moment. 

We left Sacramento and headed to the race. It was my girlfriend at the time, one of my best friends Ben, and Chris from the GR Crew was flying into Salt Lake City from Alaska the next day. We prepared for the race and hung out. It was a lot of fun, but as the race approached, I knew we needed to make changes. With an anticipated low of 20 degrees, I needed my crew to move all my drop bags up because I would be moving slower with my back issues. 

The morning of the race, I woke up and started vomiting within 5 minutes. I kept trying to eat and drink, but everything that went it was resurrected… with authority. I kept eating and getting dressed figuring at some point the switch would flip and I would be ready for the race. In my head I already knew that I had given so many calories back that the chances of finishing were dwindling with each withdrawal of funds. 

I got my gear together and gathered my weary crew. We drove to the start and after a few more poltergeist moments, the gun went off. I tried to stay with a local badass, Samantha for as long as I could, but I didn’t have enough energy to keep up and decided to let her go and I’d walk until my body was ready to run again. I hiked and watch everyone go past me…and was okay with running my own race. I kept getting sick for the next several miles before eventually dry heaving. I suddenly couldn’t lift my right leg more than 2” off the ground. I figured it was the lack of fuel as my calories had to be negative at that point. 

I was determined to make it to the top of the first climb (which is just dumb that early in a race). I’d give up and head down the hill only to turn around after about 100 feet and giving it another shot, having to use my hand to lift my leg over rocks. I did this dance 3 times before eventually realizing that my crew was heading into the mountain before too long and I would not be able to contact them after that. I decided to turn around and head down the hill after a short cry. 

You might think it was because I failed that I was crying. It was the exact opposite. I was able to make it just over 3 miles into the race I had been telling everyone that I was racing. It wasn’t my ego and pride, which was long gone by that point. It was that I had succeeded. I had run less than any race I'd ever started, but it was by far by greatest success. 

I never gave up, vomiting for hours and knowing I had no chance of finishing… I kept putting food and electrolytes into my system, got dressed and showed up for work. The results don’t matter because I wasn’t going to win that race anyway. 

We all have choices in life. We can choose to learn from our life experience, realizing that there is a possibility to learn from everything in life. After the race, a local runner came up and asked me what happened. I told him the story and he said, “That must be embarrassing.”  I have never been a good athlete, good at school, or really felt like I belonged. I know I gave that race everything that my body had to give…literally. I am prouder of my performance at The Bear (ever only making it 3 miles) than my only 100-mile finish, where my twins ran me across the finish line with me (my older son on the side holding up a sign they made. That had been a dream of mine since my first race and it’s still my favorite moment. 

Feeling great at RDL100 and excited to see my family (Overlook, Mile 45).

Picture after running across the finish with 2 of my 3 kids. I had 47 minutes to spare. 😁

Trail running has given me the opportunity to truly find out who I am. Not the person who I tell myself who I am, but after hours on a trail…shit gets real. I have conversations with myself, and it had helped me overcome my Anxiety, Depression, and eventually my back surgery. 

I had a 9x17mm herniation of my disk and had that removed. It was the same issue as The Bear, and the surgery was almost a year after the race. I have been recovering for the past 9 months and have had a few runs but am taking my recovery slowly. I had fully accepted before the surgery that I would never run again (which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accept). The surgery was in October 2022, and they successfully removed the herniation. My doctor and surgeon wanted me to try running again. 

I don’t know if I will be able to ever race again (faster than a shuffle), but the fact that I am still able to get out there is more than enough. I have been crewing friends all over the Western US and its filling my cup.  Follow your dreams and never give up. I am grateful to the running community for the support and love over the past few years. You have definitely been there to prop me up as the sick elephant, until I can stand on my own. It is the reason why I love this community so much. It is Western State Endurance Run weekend and I will be volunteering at Robinson Flat with my kids. Time to cheer on some friends and badass athletes.

The Weight Yo-Yo and my 2021 Race Plan.

I am sitting down on a Sunday (I got lazy and didn't post it until Monday) night after the kids went to bed and decided to write instead of watching tv.  So, let’s start with my weight journey.

I was a slender kid growing up.  My mom used to make huge batches of Chex Mix, Carmel Corn, etc.  I would eat gallon bags of that in a sitting and wouldn’t gain a pound.  That pretty much lasted until I quit smoking cigarettes when I was 23 (I started in college, one of many awesome things I started doing there).   I have yo-yo’d with my weight ever since.  The problem is I really like food that isn’t good for me and I am great at justifying my food cravings.  I am definitely a binge eater.  I will polish off a half gallon of ice cream in two sittings or a huge bowl of caramel and cheese popcorn. 

I can also buckle down and stick to eating healthier.  I have had really good success with the Keto Diet.  The reason I really like it isn’t as much for weight loss, but it really helps with my inflammation issues and injuries. I also feel so much better when I am on Keto, even on fasted runs (runs where I will not have eaten for 16 hours and then will run at a comfortable pace for 6-10 miles with only water).  There are weight loss benefits too.

When I ran Rio Del Lago in November of 2018, I was about 185 lbs.  When I had to take the time off of all physical activity, I gained weight from eating everything I could find.  I ate partially to try and mask everything that was happening in my life at the time (divorce, stressed at work, etc.).  I topped out over 205lbs, which was as much as I had ever weighed.  The issue with me is that when I gain weight like that, I tend to have acid reflux and other issues and I know it isn’t healthy.  My family on both sides have heart disease issues.  Also my back and neck get much worse when I am holding some extra pounds.

The road to recovery took a long time and so did the weight loss at first.  It took almost 9 months to get back to my Rio Del Lago weight.  My real goal was to get back to around 170lbs.  Through hard work and determination…and several attempts, I was able to stick with my Keto diet for a few months.  I was not 100% strict (and never try to be) but was trying to be as much as possible and it worked.  I had not only passed 170 lbs in May but was down under 160 pounds by August of this year and while I hadn’t been able to train as much, I was able to be in the best shape possible for the Grand Canyon. 

I tend to yo-yo with my weight still.  I was holding near 160 lbs. for months and then went to visit my family in Washington and ate like a king.  I was up over 12 pounds in 3 weeks, and I am back to working it off.  I don’t stress over my weight but do try to eat healthier because I can feel the difference when I am not eating right, my joints get inflamed easier and I don’t recover from runs as fast.  I don’t really like to talk about my weight, but I am hoping that my story can be an inspiration so someone.  You can reach your goal.  It takes determination and sometimes a few tries. 

As for my mental health, I had been so overwhelmed at work and didn’t know what I was going to do.  My attitude in life was negative and I am sure everyone around me was aware of it.  I tend to take on too much and finally I made the decision to change that.  I also decided to focus on being positive and to try not to cause drama.  When I do good things, it makes me feel good.  I don’t need anyone to know what I did either. 

Picking up nails on a run and wrappers on the trail, taking a grocery cart back to the stall for someone else, or just slowing down and giving someone space to move over because you know they want to.  Do something small to be a positive influence on the community around you.  Is it selfish that I do it because it makes me feel good? Maybe, but that’s okay.

So I’m laying it out there.  Here is my big (dream) schedule for 2021.  The reason I say “dream” is that I need to still get into one of them and COVID still may change some of the races. 

March 4-7 – Hillbillies Training Camp (Orcas Island)

April 10 – Zion 100k (Virgin, UT)

 

June 20 – Broken Arrow 26k (Olympic Village AKA Squaw Valley, CA)

 

July 17 – Tahoe Rim Trail 50 (Spooner Lake, NV) *Lottery Jan 1

 

September 24 – The Bear 100 (Logan, UT to Bear Lake, ID)

I will be doing a ton of running, learning to backpack…with my kids, and hiking.  My goal is to hopefully sprinkle in a few other races as well, but who knows what the coming year will look like.  I hope everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving week.

The comeback story, kind of (Part 2) and my Grand Canyon R2R2R Recap.

So, its been a few days again… I will split this up. Part 1 is about my self-exploration into being a better person. Part 2 is a recap of my big goal event for 2020, the Grand Canyon Rim2Rim(2Rim) with a link to the video I put together of our adventure. I hope you enjoy.

Part 1: 

I dream of the days when things slow down again. I know I am fortunate to have a great job, or a job at all right now. I have seen my workload more than double in the last year and even more since COVID started. All my self-reflection over the past few years has been really difficult. I would go on runs or hikes by myself. I always made a point of having fun, first and foremost. When you are running 10-20 road miles every Tuesday evening because it is the only time during the week to get in significant training, it gives you some time to think as well. Might as well put that time to good use. 

I realized how I let PRIDE and EGO change me over the years. I knew I wanted to be a better person and knew that I needed to tackle it, no matter how hard it was going to be. I have learned over the years (a topic for a different day) how to take a deep look into my life and see which parts of my life I’m okay with and which parts, I’m not. I can justify my way though anything, like most people, but that won’t get me where I want to be. I needed to put in the work, and still do. 

Working on your Pride and Ego as well as trying to be an overall good person is a lifelong pursuit. While I have had many-a-run where I have cried… like seriously, ugly-crying as I’m running down the sidewalk. You can laugh if you want, I think its funny now. Luckily, it was later at night when it was dark, and nobody was around. Through that pain, I also have become more comfortable with myself…just a little bit. 

I have always struggled with feeling like “I’m enough” which I am getting better with. I have friends that I love to see, but the reality is that if I didn’t reach out to my friends, how many would actually contact me… in a week? A month? Longer? I work so much and when I don’t, I am with my kids. In the rare instances I do have free time and can get away, I am usually running around, trying to pack in as much as possible. I want to do more stuff with friends and family in the future, which is one of my new life goals. 

I am trying to focus on myself to be a better father, friend, son, etc. Not that I was bad before, but there were things that made me happy when I was younger like calling my relatives on their birthday, without exception. Or opening a door for random strangers (during non COVID times 😊). I saw a Facebook post about there are two types of people, the type that take the cart back to the corral and the type that leave it in the parking lot somewhere. It’s the little things…that make me feel better about myself. 

Part 2: 

The last section on the South Kaibab Trail before the Colorado River

Okay, so now that is out of the way, my big goal race/event for 2020 was a trip with my buddies to take on the Grand Canyon in something they call the Rim2Rim2Rim. Its where people of lower intelligence, like myself, decide it is a great idea to start at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon (elevation about 7,000 feet), go all the way down to the Colorado River (elevation about 2,500 feet) where there are a few bridges, cross and go up to the North Rim (elevation about 8,200 feet)… Then just for sh!ts and giggles, they turn their happy butts right around and head back to the Colorado River before climbing back up to the South Rim. In total it ranges from about 42-52 miles depending on route and if you get lost. We were shooting for around a 46-mile route with over 12,000 feet of elevation gain, which would be the most I’ve ever done. 

Pictured Left to Right: Jeremy Payne, Ben Mitchell, Tim Felker, and myself.

My friends and I had an awesome trip, starting with the 12-hour drive to get there. Jeremy and Ben started the Auburn Area Trail Runners Facebook page, which is how I found my first group trail run back in late 2016, I believe. Our friend Tim was also running it and runs with Jeremy and Ben more than I do. We had a blast with funny commentary, a stop at the Nevada Proving Grounds (where we saw a money that actually went into space… it didn’t make it back alive, but you get to see the taxidermized monkey. It was weirdly cool) where there apparently was a crashed UFO. Well worth the $5 entry. Unfortunately, no photography. I know… 

Museum at the Nevada Proving Grounds, and my van done up right!

We got to the Grand Canyon on Thursday Night and had a steak dinner. We got to explore the South Rim on Friday and see where we were going to park and run the following morning since we were going to start at 4:00am and it would be really dark. We shopped for souvenirs, ate, and tried to get to bed early. They all slept okay. I couldn’t sleep and ended up getting about an hour total. There were people drinking in the parking lot and their conversation was pretty loud. I’m sure there was some fear and anxiety, which I usually never get before a race. 

Steak Dinner on Thursday night with the crew.

We got up and all I wanted to do was tell them I will meet them at the finish or even meet them on the North Rim with Lunch because I was afraid of holding them back, afraid of being under-trained, afraid of not getting enough sleep, and honestly, I was the weakest link in the chain (and I knew it). It is something I am used to in running, but I don’t really mind. I just appreciate being included and didn’t want to burden my friends… and I was terrified of the vert. That place is HUGE. 

We parked and started right on time 4:00am. Anyone that knows me would be impressed by how quickly I got ready. I was proud of myself 😊. We parked at the Bright Angel Trailhead or the street parking near there. We ran up the 5ish miles to the South Kaibab Trailhead where we would start our decent. I felt great and while I was a little slower at the start, I usually need about 4-5 miles before my legs wake up. That morning, it only took 3 miles and I felt good. A not-so-quick stop at the bathrooms before we headed down into the canyon led to some funny conversations I don’t remember with strangers. It was still dark. 

The initial decent on the South Kaibab Trail was amazing.  This was about 5:00 am.

One of the coolest things was descending on the South Kaibab Trail and looking up to see a string of lights above you on the switchbacks. The trail down was technical in spots, but beautifully runnable in most areas, if you could focus on running and not the views. We got to see the sunrise and I cant wait to see it again from inside the canyon. We made it down to the metal suspension bridge over the Colorado River. It was so cool. You run through a tunnel onto the bridge. Then there was a mule train headed up the way we came so we had to stand flat against the wall as they went by. One of the mules took a dump, literally, 3 inches from my foot. I was so excited that I got it on film, but I hit the wrong button on the GoPro Max…the only time I did that the whole trip. 

I was a little excited to see the river.

Ben and I were taking pictures and video at this spot for a while.  It was amazing!  The bridge comes out of the tunnel on the other side of the river.

We made it up past Phantom Ranch and eventually the easy meandering trail started to get exposed and hot. Then we started to climb. I was doing okay, but intentionally had slowed as I had felt a recurring hamstring niggle. I was okay but didn’t want to overdo it. Eventually I started getting the early signs of heat stoke and eventually stopped sweating and had goosebumps. I had been hydrating but had recently been also resting under every shady spot I could find. I wasn’t worried though. As an experienced (and I use that term loosely) trail runner, I know that I can manage most issues that I come across if I stay calm and access the situation, which I did. That was about 3 miles from the top of the North Rim. I had also been having minor issues trying to get my lungs full enough, it felt like, but. I figured it was just due to the altitude and heat stress and figured I would be better when I rested at the top with my sandwich. I was managing and knew I could make it to the top. This wasn’t the first hot “death march”. 

Powered by Altred: I started taking AltRed, which are Betalain pills.  It is what you are trying to get when you eat or take beet juice powder, but more advanced.  They help me perform better, recover faster, and I have been able to verify these with my personal results... for years.  Click here to read my full review of AltRed. Go to the AltRed website (https://sur.co) and use code "bgoldman-altred" for 15% off every bottle if you are interested. 
  

I was able to fully overcome the heat stroke through hydration and resting. The breathing wasn’t getting better and I was having to stop more frequently even though my heart rate was under 120 bpm. I figured I was just bonking and needed to get to the top, which was less than a mile away. With 20 feet to the North Kaibab Trailhead, I took a 5-foot detour to the side so I could puke before I came into view of the crowd of runners/hikers that were resting. The nausea came on so suddenly and I think my body held out as long as it could. I am so proud of that mother f*er (my body if that wasn’t clear). I am in complete amazement of what my body was able to endure to safely get me to the top. We still had over 22 miles back to our car and there wasn’t an option to stay overnight anywhere. We were 28.3 miles in with 6,378 feet of vert for me at that point. 

Man do I look good here!

I couldn’t stop puking either. Any drop of water or food would come right up with everything else I had that day. I knew I need to try and get a ride back to the South Rim, or as close as I could get. If I was able to rally somehow, I would run back. My friend Jeremy was my partner in this adventure and he was having some issues as well. We had buddies that would stick together just in situations like this. I felt guilty as hell, but Jeremy assured me he wasn’t ready to run back. He did do more miles later that night though. 

We got to see the Vermillion Cliffs while being driven by Scott back to our van.  They were so red and amazing.  We also got to see Marble Canyon and go over the bridge.

Luckily, we were able to secure a ride from Scott, a retired engineer, who was working for the National Parks Service designing and building a new water system in the canyon. He drove us 6 hours to our car. It should have been 4.5, but I we had to make 6 more pure stops on the way. He gave us an amazing tour of a part of Arizona we wouldn’t have seen if we didn’t drop. He also knew exactly what was wrong with me the second I explained what I went through... Altitude Sickness! The funny thing is I had been getting minor cases of it all summer when I would run or hike at altitude. Who knew? 

   

Sometimes its okay to look at the positive in situations. I am excited to go back and take on the Grand Canyon. Tim and Ben finished the Rim2Rim2Rim and I am proud of those beasts! Way to go gents! Jeremy and I want to go back eventually, without a doubt.  Here is the video of our trip.  

So… for the future… Let’s leave that for the next post. I will share about my weight loss, where I am at emotionally, and my big plans for 2021. See you next time.

The comeback story, kind of (part 1).

I have to apologize that it took a little longer for this post.  I wanted to polish it up more than the last few posts.

So, I took from Christmas of 2018 until mid-April of 2019 off from all physical activity.  It was so hard from so many different perspectives, but I was ready to finally get over my Plantar Fasciitis.  During my time off, I realized that my primary way to cope with stress is physical activity and binge eating.  With physical activity off the table, I went from 185 pounds during Rio Del Lago to over 200 pounds when I was ready to start running again.  I was eating… a lot.  I definitely felt like a part of me was missing when I couldn’t run.  Then I looked in the mirror and realized that there was more of me than there was before.  Time to get back on the training bandwagon, including Keto.  For me, it is partially about weight loss initially, but I have had huge success with inflammation reduction and increased energy on keto, or running fat adapted (High Fat Low Carb, which allows more carbs per day).

Here is the blessing from taking that time off running.  I jumped into volunteering with our local race companies with both feet (okay, I already was volunteering as much as I could) but really used that to get me through my low points.  I was dealing with loneliness, tons of stress, and some depression. 

Doing Trail Work on the Western States Trail near Robinson Flat in 2019

When I started running again, I couldn’t run for more than about a minute without having to walk.  I was starting over from scratch.  I did know it would come back faster, but didn’t know how long it would be.  I would progress slowly as I was concerned of reinjuring myself or pushing too hard, too fast.  I have done enough research for blogging, to know that I should just take my time in getting back into race shape.  I started to just run with the goal of having fun.  I would leave my house and knew I had 2 hours.  I would run and take random roads, put on some random music, and just enjoy.  I was running (that may be a little generous) with no foot pain for the first time in almost 3 years.

Even being really careful, I would have some minor issues including inflammation in my knee (Pes Bursitis) from overuse, hamstring strains, IT Band tightness, and even a torn calf.  I would do great for a month to 6 weeks and then the next weakest part of “my chain” would break.  This is common with runners coming back from injury as well as new runners.  As you strengthen your weak areas, lets say your ankle…your shin would start to take more stress and you would get shin splints.  Then maybe your IT Band.  Eventually, you have strengthened and trained your muscles to move like a runner, or whatever you are training for.  I just had to get my body to function like a runner again. 

I eventually got to that point again with my running.  I was doing a lot of camping.  I found out that I could get a folding memory foam mattress and camp in the back of my van near Tahoe (in paid spots).   It was easy and really comfortable.  I was going to places that I hadn’t been to before including Broken Arrow (Squaw Valley) where I volunteered and got to run last place runner (I'l have to make sure, but I believe his name is Kevin) from the top of the mountain all the way to the finish line.  He was a beast and I even have a picture of him and I on my wall-of-fame (a collection of people who have inspired me in running).  I might have to share “the wall” someday.  He wanted to quit, but didn't and earned his finish. 

2019 Broken Arrow Finish

I also volunteered at 2019 Tahoe Rim Trail 100 and got to drive one of the shuttle vans.  I knew people in the first 3 shuttle loads and met awesome people all day including driving some of them down to Carson City.  It was the coolest experience.  Then we set-up black lights and decorations at Diamond Peak Aid Station for the all night (quiet) party. 

The 2019 Tahoe Rim Trail 100 Start

I ran/hiked the Lost and Found 35k, which was my first official race back.  I had signed up for the 50k, but asked to drop down in distance because I didn’t feel ready.  A couple of us camped there the night before the race.  Because I always volunteer with E3, we put some finishing touches on things and I headed to the van.  The course is near Interstate 80 on the way to Reno and goes up Castle Peak to Basin Peak and back. 

Climbing back up Castle Peak during 2019 Lost and Found 35k

The Monarch Butterfly migration was happening at the time and there were thousands of butterflies everywhere.  It was so incredible, and I got to share that with Johanna, a running friend and teammate at Single Track Running and her friend Gigi.  I was slow, but able to make it.  The next day, I had to fly to LA for work and met Rebecca and Andrea for a run and lunch.  It was a great run.  I even ran the following day on Venice Beach.  I knew after that, I needed to take a few days off to just be safe and not push much. 

I got to run with Andrea and Rebecca (part of the Ginger Runner Crew) in LA

I didn’t run for the next two days.  The third morning, I had to take my suitcase from the hotel room to the car before my final work training.  I hopped off the curb weird and that’s when I tore my calf.  It just felt like a pop, but it was that simple.  Hopping 6 inches down off of a curb, are you kidding me???  I’ve run long distances, on technical stuff, sometimes really scary and it’s a curb.  I’m not trying to complain, Its actually just funny. 

My next adventure was something I was looking forward to for a long time.  I had dropped from the Javelina Jundred, which I had entered and paid for.  I knew I couldn’t responsibly train for it in time and dropped to the Jackass Night Run.  That meant I got to crew for my friends, and some new friends too.  It was so much fun just crewing and hanging out supporting my crew.  The whole trip was much needed and I even got to visit the Grand Canyon and Vegas on the way back.  That is when I decided that I was going to sell the house.  Roughly around November of 2019.

Got to see my buddy David finish the 2019 Javelina Jundred

Grand Canyon - It got down to 19 degrees...and snowed.  Oops!  It was a 3 sleeping bag night.

Grand Canyon - I tried to run, but it was so beautiful, I stopped every 10 feet.

I kept training after that and ran my first race again in February of 2020.  My first ultra was the 2017 Salmon Falls 50k.  I ran the 2020 Salmon Falls 50k again with my buddy Jeremy.  We took it easy for the first 17 miles and I had to try and push a little because my legs were starting to stiffen up.   Just by picking up the pace a little, I found a nice comfortable pace I could push, but not lose energy.  It was my all-day pace (for that day).  It was faster than I had expected, and the cool thing is that whole day, all I was focusing on was having fun.  I was saying hi to all my friends, taking extra time for pictures and chatting at aid stations.  Something that I wouldn’t normally do if I was worried about my time.  I am a big advocate for having a plan going into an aid station normally.  This day was all about celebrating my feet being pain free.

SF Pic

I pushed hard until about 2 miles from the finish at the notoriously hard levee section.  It kills me every time.  It’s just a flat levee, but the wind and after almost 30 miles…it just sucks!  I cut considerable time off my course time from 2017 and felt great…until that night.  That inflammation in my knee, Pes Bursitis, came back.  It only took 3-4 weeks to recover from, but it felt so great to run a race again. I was so excited to run the Zion 100k in April of 2020 with my buddy Jeremy.  Then COVID hit…

I will pick the rest of this up in a day or two.  I hope you enjoy the recap so far.   Below are pictures of my van setup.  One day I dream of having a Sprinter van.  

Plenty of room for gear and the memory foam mattress.

My cuddle buddy at the TRT100 (yeah, right...there was no sleep to be had)…and no I don't run the generator in the van.

Learning life lessons sucks sometimes, but you learn so much!

Back to Late December 2018.  So I make the decision to take time off of running.  It was absolutely the right decision and I should have done it a long time ago.  I am stubborn at times. 

Even though the separation was what my ex and I decided upon, it still doesn’t make the loneliness go away, or trying to date and the circus that is (not the people, just the whole process).  I have three amazing kids, a 9-year-old and 7-year-old boy/girl twins.  I love them so much, but they drive me insane.  Parents, you know what I’m talking about, except for those of you who have some sort of kid magic.  I do the best I can with mine, but if you have a magic kid, congrats. We have our moments, good and bad.

My Oldest and I hiking near Lake Tahoe in 2018

I would work all day, trying to impress everyone at work with the largest workload that we’ve ever had and shrinking timelines.  Trying to manage my team’s workload as well as my own.  My team is so awesome and really worked their butts off, which made my job more manageable.  They made me look good, 100%.  I feel like work was the one place that I was able to hold it together the best.  I somehow was able to keep the façade going long enough.  Inside I was so overwhelmed that I felt like I was living in a fog.

[Image pulled from https://thetempest.co/2019/05/17/culture-taste/brain-fog-depression/]

I started to just get so overwhelmed, not knowing what I was going to do with the house.  The day I decided to accept the offer from Zillow and started packing, the feeling of being overwhelmed lifted.  It happened so fast that sometimes I feel guilty.  But I fought that feeling for my family/kids, for my coworkers, and most importantly… for myself.  That is something I am learning… to show myself love (not like that…come on).😊 

I thought I was dealing with depression.  It took quite a while to figure out that I was doing so much in so many areas of my life (and kids activities) that I had exceeded what I was capable of handling.  It wasn’t depression, but a case of being severely overwhelmed.  It was working through all of my feelings and fears that I was able to have a breakthrough.  That will come in another post.

I am a better man because I walked through that, but I had no idea if it was going to be a day or a year before things were going to get better.  I feel very fortunate to have my long distance running that has sharpened my mental toughness.  I tend to do okay just putting my head down and putting one foot in front of the other until I reach the peak/finish.  I always make it to my goal, then I can take a break.  Those death marches (running term) on long runs when you are bonking and are hot, are the times when you learn what you are really made of…enter the tears…

I didn't take a selfie, but this isn't far off. J/K

Mental illness is a serious f*cking issue.  Be there for each other.  Open up to a friend.  You might just find out that they are struggling with stuff too.  Ultimately, I want to break this stigma that just because you have “mental illness” that you are a flawed human being.  With that being said…

I want to refocus Running Without Injuries.  Sure physical injuries are important and I will touch on those too, but I want to bring to light what people experience when they go through depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder. If we can see what people are experiencing (through their eyes) maybe, we can be empathetic. 

I have learned how strong I am in the past 2 years.  It has been the hardest 2 years of my life without a doubt, but I am so grateful to have been through everything.  I have learned so much and this is just the beginning.  I am not going to let my mental health issues hold me back and I hope you come along with me in my journey.  I plan on doing some different and fun stuff this next year.

Tomorrow I will focus on what the heck I have been up to since selling the house and moving into the apartment almost a year ago.  I might have a story or two in there. 

                                            Calming Hypelapse from Cannon Beach, Oregon.

The end of an era, the big race and Plantar Fasciitis wins.

So lets go back to when I went off grid, in terms of the blog (Summer 2018)…

About 2 years ago my wife and I decided to separate after almost 10 years of marriage.  I will not go into any details out of respect for her, and because quite honestly it isn’t anyone’s business (sorry?).  She’s an amazing woman, great mother and we co-parent very well together.  I had my faults in the relationship, as we all do in all relationships.  I have loved the opportunity to really focus on how I can be better in all aspects of my life since that point, even though that type of self exploration is usually not very comfortable. 

So in the two months leading up to my race, we were living apart.  I will share this because it was funny (she thought so too).  We had the house and rented a 1-bedroom apartment and would swap.  Yes…just like the show Splitting Up Together.  It actually was better than we both expected, and we wanted to minimize the impact to the kids.  That’s all I will say about that.

I was getting my training in on the days when I didn’t have the kids.  I had what I call a “unicorn race” because there were a few things that I had to work through, but it went so much better than I expected.  I got my 100 mile buckle and most importantly, my ex brought the kids out to see me finish.  It is still my happiest moment, running across the finish with youngest two and my oldest cheering right near the finish line.  My whole inspiration to run 100 miles was to show them that there isn’t anything you cant accomplish if you just put in the work.

After the race, I tried to keep running and even signed up for Miwok 100k and Javelina 100. I got into Miwok.  Unfortunately, my Plantar Fasciitis was getting much worse.  I wasn’t taking care of my feet and after 2 years of trying everything, and I mean everything, I was unable to even keep a 14-15 minute pace on a good day. I was always in pain and it was about time I practice what I preach.  It was time to stop all physical activity for 4 months.

YES!!! I said no physical activity for 4 months.  No swimming, no biking, no hiking, no strenuous walks.  I tried to eliminate running and only cycle, or only swim in the past.  It never healed fully but it did help for a few weeks.  At the end of 2018, I started my break from running.  I was up for a promotion at work, which I got, but finances and overall stress were starting to build.

I am going to move ahead for a little and jump back to tie it all together, so hang with me… I was able to start training again after about 4 months.  It was like I had never run before; I had no endurance.  I couldn’t run a mile without stopping.  I don’t even know if you could call it running honestly (in my mind).  The cool thing is that for the first time that I could remember, there was no pain in my foot.  It was scary and I was trying to be cautious.  I had a number of injuries in my return including a calf tear, back issues, turf toe, and pes bursitis in my knee.  I would have an injury, take a few weeks or so to rest and start again (doing PT in the meantime).  I worked through the weak spots. 

I was working with a Physical Therapist and doctor about all the issues as I was coming back and knew these injuries were common.  I knew I wasn’t going to race Javelina, but I am a part of this amazing community of runners (the Ginger Runner Crew) and a bunch of us met and hung out all weekend, cheering and supporting runners (crewing, pacing, entertaining).  More on that in another post…

The GR Crew waiting for our runners to come in.  Best time ever!!!

It was one of the most amazing trips.  I stayed at my Aunt and Uncles in Palm Desert on the way down and we chatted for hours.  They let me crash there last second when my previous plans fell through.  I got to run on some amazing trails around Phoenix with my awesome friend Chris (@aktrailrunner) and after the race I went to Meteor Crater and the Grand Canyon before seeing my friend in Vegas and heading home.  In my head I knew all along that I was probably going to have to sell the house.

Chris B. and I ran the Sidewinder Trail.  My first run in Arizona.  Love it there!

I held on to the house for as long as I could, working with the loan company.  I did have equity in the house, but the thought of trying to sell it was too overwhelming with work, being a scout leader, and everything else.  I also had to get rid of 20+ year of shit (yes, I admit it).  Not like on those hoarding TV shows, but how many freaking chemical sprayers or why did I still have the weed whacker when we had artificial turf for the past 5 years? 

I had exhausted most of my savings and maxed my some of my credit cards (for one more freaking time in my life).   I had reached out to Zillow who makes cash offers on houses.  I tried this in the past with other companies and they always offered half of the appraised value.  This all started I before my trip to Arizona, but I hadn’t heard anything back from Zillow yet.  If this didn’t work, what was I going to do? 

They made me an offer and even though, it was less than I wanted, it would have sat on the market for months like the houses around me.  I couldn’t afford to wait so I sold to Zillow and I will say that I had a great experience.  I picked a 2 bedroom apartment closer to my ex and our biggest fear was if my moving wouldn't allow the kids to stay in their school.  We got the transfers so they could stay there until middle school.  YAY!!! 

So… tomorrow we will jump back to when I quit running at the end of 2018, to rehab my Plantar Fasciitis and the places that took me.  I am not just sharing random bits of my life for no reason.  Just remember that its always important have some fun and do things outside your comfort zone.  Turns out you might like it.  

My Costume at 2019 Javelina Jundred: Captain Hook with Inflatable Alligator.